Having the recent medical issues with my dad has brought about some past memories that I long put down and hoped to never relive. The dreams that I have been dealing with lately have finally made some sort of sense out of dreams that I’ve experienced in the past, many years ago. The biggest one is that of guilt. For the longest time I continuously had a dream that consisted of a date and Max. Through various dreams I would either see just the date on a calendar or written down, one time I even saw it projected on an airport screen, kind of like the arrival / departure screens. As for Max, she was never the center of the dream, usually she was either a shadow or a feeling that I had, sometimes I could see her as she was walking past an opening or window.
For the longest time I had believed this dream sequence had to do with the time that the ex and I flew to Illinois to be with his family during the holiday, but after the most recent events with my dad, I highly believe that is not the case now. Despite not having a dream of the date or Max in a long time, Saturday ended that long time break. Only this time it was the ex laying on a gurney all hooked up to machines. Doctors were in and out of the room, asking me questions that I couldn’t answer. And then I saw the date on his chart, December 21st.
Almost immediately after arriving home from the parentals I called a friend of ours and although he could not remember the exact day, he did confirm that his heart attack was around that time. Once he acknowledged that, I sank down in my chair and it felt like a weight had been lifted. For years I have feared this date, feeling like something bad was meant to happen, it even affected me to the point that I would not travel during this day. I am not entirely sure what if anything it means to me to have this answer, but I can tell you that it feels good to have put at least something to rest from my past.