Despite my mood altering dream earlier this morning and the feeling of ‘how am I suppose to fall back asleep now’ kind of mindset, against all odds, I did slip back into a slumber. Although not one that I preferred which would have been an uninterrupted one, but comfortable enough obviously that I got about 3 hours worth of shut eye. This occurrence doesn’t leave me feeling like all is lost or a shattered, broken mess, well, at least not anymore. What it does do is remove that extra bounce from my step for the day. It is not a full on depression enhancer or trigger, it’s just one of those things that doesn’t make me feel like climbing to the top of a tree or roof and screaming out loud to the world, “Hey look at me, here I am, still”.
I have to remember that taking a moment to stop and reflect on my past, however sad may have been the memory, is okay. Pondering the unknown answers to questions that come up is okay. Rustling through the ever present, ‘What Ifs’ is in itself also, okay. Just as long as I don’t remain in that past realm for very long and allow myself to transition to the current life that I have built for myself.
So yeah, I have and on occasion do wonder who our son would have looked more like, would his bouts of laughter mimic the sound I make or his father? When he is perplexed by a problem, does he attack it in a manner that I would or his father? Who’s eye color would have been the dominant one? Would he had ever really known his father? Would we have stayed together, would we had lasted long enough for the truth of reality to set in? What would our world, our life had looked like today?
The Best of Times by Styx is usually what I hear playing in the deepest corners of my heart at moments like this. Love doesn’t end, it just transitions to a fond and distant memory.